


I Only Want Sympathy In The Form Of You Crawling Into Bed With Me

by vvenom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-07-16 08:56:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7261012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvenom/pseuds/vvenom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know he'll throw you off. You know he'll scream at you, kick you out, and avoid you forever. But you had to feel this just one damn time. You had to feel his skin against yours, his hot breath on your face, his teeth nicking the edge of your lip and his hands in your hair, whether it was pulling or not. </p><p>So you tell yourself to soak in every second of it while you can."</p><p>(Rated M for future chapters, has DaveTerezi scenes but is mainly a Davekat fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Don't Wanna Forget How Your Voice Sounds

**Author's Note:**

> ayeyeyryeey so this took forvever to format p.s. its trash
> 
> actually no its not trash please read it lol
> 
> but sorry this is so weird ??????? im inlove with drunk, broken, love-hungry dave so yup u get the gist my dudes enjoyyyy. more chapters soon to come 
> 
> (btw xo and dance dance by fob are this fics anthems)

The meteor was getting depressing, to say the least. You spent ninety percent of the time locked in your room, making sick beats on your computer and scribbling shitty rap lyrics down when they came to your head, and honestly, it was getting eerily boring. 

 

You talked Terezi into hanging out with you once or twice, but you kept falling into the same pattern of just doing nothing. She would sit on your couch playing on a gameboy you think Rose gave to her at some point, and you would sit on the floor, doodling in a shredded notebook. After a painfully boring hour or so she would find some sort of excuse to leave, and you couldn't blame her. You've sort of turned into a depressed wreck. 

 

Behind your shades thick blue circles lined your eyes and under your sleeves long arrays of scars and scabs paint your arms. You weren't getting much sleep lately, which led to way too much thinking about small things, which led into another lovely blooming of your long put away anxiety disorder. 

 

Hiding it was easy, not many people interacted with you despite the mayor and Rose, and Rose was mostly too sidetracked with her inter-species lesbian relationship to ponder on your problems. And that was okay with you, Striders had always ran solo. 

 

So as you lay on the floor of your room in an old tshirt and your boxers, starring at the same dark grey ceiling, why where you so fucking lonely? The sting of loneliness hurt worse than the scars layered over your arms and as you push yourself off the floor slowly and grab a jacket and some jeans, you decide nothing hurts worse than being hungry after not eating for a week. You don't bother putting shoes on, you're too lazy too, so you sport your spider-man socks as you enter the hallway and make your way down to the pantry. 

 

The hallways are mostly empty now, and as you walk you shove a pair of old shitty earbuds into your ears so it's not so quiet. You guess that's the part that really gets to you, the silence. It was so quiet back at your apartment with Bro, and it left you too much time to think about things. You needed to think less. 

 

As you turned the corner to the pantry you automatically freeze. You weren't expecting to have to interact with anyone, especially Kar-Kitty, and honestly it wasn't that you didn't want to talk to him, you just weren't in the best position too. You weren't in your god-tier suit, just some old clothes you found under your bed, you were in your goddamn spidey socks for petes sake. Not that they where uncool or anything, spider-man was the shit. But it was probably best not to give Karkat leverage to pick at you with. 

 

He's standing on his tiptoes attempting to reach the dinosaur shaped cheese its on the second to top shelf, and it's almost saddening watching him struggle so much. He's wearing a snug white tshirt with his sweater tied around his waist loosely, and hell he looks just like a soccer mom. You decide against telling him though, you weren't in the mood to deal with his loud personality. 

 

"Need some help there Kit-Kat."

 

His head turns around and peeks over his shoulder as he stretches over the counter slowly, and you can almost see the exact moment when he realizes it's you, his arm shooting down back by his side and his body retreating to the regular Karkat hunch. 

 

"What the fuck do you want Strider."

 

You keep a straight face as you pace over the cold grey floor, your spider-man socks making small padding noises underneath you, and reach up over into the cabinet, easily grabbing the box and bringing them down to the counter. "I want everything on this meteor to not be so damn grey like, who picked out the color scheme for this place- what are you doing?"

 

You glance over at him and see he's struggling to pull his sweater back over his head, and it seems to have gotten stuck around the, hell you don't know, horn region?

 

"I'm having a motherfucking picnic Dave. Isn't that what it looks like? Doesn't this look fucking enjoyable?"

 

He tugs once or twice more and you can't help but crack up a little. The nubs stick out from underneath the thick cloth and the more he pulls the more he seems to make it worse. 

 

"Oh wow. This is rich. Someone pull out the fucking Kodak, because I'll be damned if this isn't a moment."

 

"Shut the fuck up and help me you dicksniffer."

 

You laugh, a genuine laugh, an it comes out in a breathy choke that even makes Karkat pause for a moment. It feels so good. "You gotta problem there buddy?"

 

"Dammit Dave just-"

  
You pull out one of your earbuds and slowly reach over to Karkat's head, rapping your fingers under the collar of the sweater and slowly fingering the fabric over each horn. It takes a little bit, because Karkat's mess of hair keeps getting tangled around your fingers, but eventually you get the first horn through. As you move onto the second one you hear a slow throaty noise and automatically pause. 

 

"Dude are you fucking purring?"

  
The noise stops for a moment, and you immediately regret saying anything at all.

  
"DAMMIT DAVE YOU MOTHERFUCKING BULGESNIFFER JUST FIX MY GODDAMN SWEATER YOU ASSWIPE-"

 

His small arms swing around him violently, and tiny hands grab around your wrists as you pop the other horn through by thumbing it over the edge of the fabric. You grab the front of the sweater as soon as you're done and yank it hard over his head, revealing an angry, blushed Karkat.

  
"Shit, there."

 

He looks up at you with a scowl and his mouth opens slightly to say something, but stops and takes in his surroundings slowly, the scowl fading away leaving behind wide eyes. 

 

You're both extremely close to one another, your chest brushing his as you hold fistfuls of his sweater. His hands are gripped tightly around your arm where your jacket sleeves have rolled slightly and you feel his fingers brush over the scars on the inside of your wrists. Shit. 

 

You jerk away a little too fast, and you know you've lost composure of your cool facade, even for a second. 

 

"Um," You turn around swiftly and grab the box of cheese its off the counter. "Here bro. Later. Might wanna get a new sweater, that one seems a tad small."

 

You grab a bag of baby carrots and a water bottle from the fridge and turn hurriedly to leave, but before you can shove your earbud back into your ear you hear Karkat call your name quietly. Shit.

 

"Hm?" You spin around softly and try as hard as you can to hold a straight face. 

 

"What's wrong with your arm?"

 

You look down at his hands, and he's rubbing his arm slowly up and down, as if the pain is inflicted on him rather than you. 

 

You think hard for some sort of witty reply, some sort of half assed retort you can shoot back in response, but all you can manage is a shrug. 

 

His face eyes you up and down, waiting for some smartass comment, but you just simply turn around and walk off. 

 

You've finished half the bag of baby carrots before you reach your room, and as you swing the door open and collapse on your couch, you replay the entire situation over and over again in your head. 

 

You think about the way he looked stretched out over the counter, smooth grey skin peeking out of the bottom of his tshirt. You think about the way he felt pressed against you, the way he looked up at you from your chest as he gripped your arms tightly. You think about the way his face contorted as he rubbed his arm up and down at the thought of the scars littering yours and-

 

Stop. 

 

You take a deep breath and run a hand through your already messy hair. You kept telling yourself to stop over analyzing things, to stop thinking about little details that didn't mean anything and making them into something they aren't. 

 

You toss another baby carrot into your mouth and sigh slowly. You really needed to get out of your room more often. 

 

Eventually you finish your bag of baby carrots and filled up another page in your notebook, and you stomach growls at you again, a grim reminder that you can't survive completely on baby carrots alone, and if you really wanted some substantial food, you where going to have to go back to the pantry. 

 

You push yourself off the couch once again, scanning the floor for your jacket when you hear a loud rapid knock of your door. 

 

It was probably Rose checking up on you like she did every few days now. You guys had grown apart in the past year, and every time she showed up, you didn't have very much to talk about. She walked around and helped picked up a few things, took your clothes to the laundry room for you and asked you if anything new was happening although she knew that there wasn't. 

 

"Gemmie a sec." You say loudly as you search harder around your room for your jacket. Last week you almost blew your cover when Rose had picked up a bloody towel from your bathroom floor, you managed to come up with some bullshit lie about tripping and cutting the inside of your leg, but that only held her over enough to leave, and you couldn't risk anything this week. 

 

You spot your jacket hanging over the corner of your bed by your wall, but before you even reach it the door swings open and in storms none other than Karkat Vantas, walking into your room and slamming the shut behind him like he owned the goddamn place. 

 

"Um," You struggle to reach your jacket as you watch him throw a metal box onto the floor beside your couch, his face painted with a look of determination. "Yo. What are you doing?"

 

He grabs your arm before you can even pull half of it through the sleeve of your jacket and you end up dropping it on the floor behind you as he drags you across the room to your couch. 

 

"I don't know what the fuck you ran into, and quite frankly I honestly don't care, but that shit on your arm looks putrid and I will have no person on my meteor dying of some gross infection." He plants a hand on each of your shoulders and pushes you back slowly onto your couch, than plants himself down on the floor directly in front of you, grabbing at the metal box he threw down earlier, which you now see is a first aid kit. 

 

"I asked Rose for one of your humanoid health boxes or whatever, and at first she didn't understand but when I explained your condition-"

 

"Wait, what?" You lean forward and glare at Karkat from behind your shades. "You told Rose about my arm?" 

 

He looks up at you from the floor, one hand wrapped around a bottle of rubbing alcohol and another plunged into a mess of gauze, and blinks slowly. 

 

"Well I mean, yeah, I didn't know who else to go to and-"

 

"Fuuuuuuuck." You sit back and toss your head behind you, letting it rest on the top of your couch cushion as you run your hands under your shades and press them into your eyes. You don't even care about Karkat seeing your scars anymore, everyone that matters knows now. No point in trying to hide it anymore.

 

You sit like that for a minute until you hear Karkat clear his throat quietly. "What, um, happened? To your arm I mean."

 

You sit back up, pressing your elbows into your knees and looking down at Karkat, who sits with wide eyes on the floor in front of you.

 

You don't know what to say, and you know you aren't gonna tell him what really happened. So you both sit there in silence for a moment, you looking at him and him looking at your shades. 

 

"Did you... did you do it?" The words pour out of his mouth slowly and delicately, and you don't think you've ever heard Karkat sound so sincere. 

 

For a moment, you honestly think about telling him. You think about telling him all about the past few months you've spent alone in your room, about how everyday you spend hours on your floor just thinking about all the stupid shit you've done and dreaming about taking it all back. You think about telling him about living in your old apartment with Bro, and how you never knew if you where coming home to a fight or coming home to no one at all.

 

But you don't. 

 

"Karkat, I think you should leave."

 

The look he gives you as you say each word makes you want to pull them all back in and forget this all ever happened. But after you're done talking his face contorts into anger, and you watch as he pushes himself off the ground slowly, leaving the first aid kit on the ground in front of you. 

 

You watch him storm out of the room, slamming the door behind you, and you can't help but feel a sense of relief once he's finally gone. 

 

* * *

 

 

You don't remember falling asleep, but when you wake up the vents are on and your light is turned off, so it must be late. 

 

You drag yourself off your couch and make your way to the door, your stomach tearing at your insides for some form of food other than carrots. You don't bother with shoes again, and you don't bother with a jacket this time either. It doesn't matter anymore, and you doubt anyone would be awake at this time anyways. 

 

The hallways are dark except for every third light, something someone decided to help conserve energy a while back. Lights automatically go out at night, vents automatically come on. 

 

You walked slowly, keeping your eyes ahead of you at every third lamp post. You weren't very fond of the dark, even when you where younger you forced bro to make a smuppet night light to put in your room. 

 

The hallway was cold and quiet, and as you reached into your back pocket searching for your phone, you cursed at yourself for leaving it in your jacket at your room. You hated the eerie calmness of night.

 

You turn the corner into the pantry and sigh with relief. It's empty, no signs of the troll curse-combo generator or anyone else for that matter. 

 

The fridge blows a gust of cold air on your face as you open it, and it feels nice. Being cooped up in your room for months makes you miss the little things. As you grab two water bottles, you make your way over to the closet to scavenge through whatever ration of food is left for the end of the month. 

 

You notice a scarce amount of human food, probably because of Karkat, who has discovered a new found love for junk food, and you can't help but grin as you notice the box of cheese its thrown into the bottom shelf. You grab a can of soup and a bag or two of chips, and turn around to make your way back your room when you hear small footsteps outside the doorway.

 

When Karkat turns the corner, you let out a sigh of relief, thanking gog it isn't Rose. He, on the other hand, tenses and pauses in the doorway, eyeing you up and down.

  
"Yo."

 

He nods at you in return, his top teeth digging into his bottom lip. 

 

"You still haven't covered that up?" 

 

You sigh, not really wanting to talk about the scars anymore, but knowing there's no way you're gonna get around it. It needs to get out in the air anyways. 

 

"Nah, I'm not a pro doctor like you anyways." You turn behind you and pull down the box of cheese its from the cabinet. "I'm guessing you came for your daily dose of diabetes? Or wait, nightly? What are you doing up this late?"

 

He walks up to you slowly, satisfied with what ever kind of answer you gave him, and gently pulls the box of cheese its out of your grip. 

 

"I can't sleep." His voice sounds hallow, unlike he usual energetic tone. 

 

"Ah. See, we have similar problems."

 

He snorts. "Maybe we can go into group therapy with Rose."

 

Ah. Of course. You had almost forgotten about her. 

 

He walks slowly towards the door of the pantry, turning and leaning on the hinges.

 

"Dave, can you tell me something?"

 

You look him up and down from behind the panes of your glasses, his pajama shirt rising slowly above his cocked hip, bare grey skin pressing against the wall. 

 

You lean against the fridge beside you. "I can tell you anything you wanna hear, babe."

 

His face contorts into a scowl. "Why can't you be serious for one second? I'm..." A look of sympathy crawls across his face as he looks up at you. "I'm worried about you."

 

"I'm worried more about your diet, honestly."

 

"You know what Dave, fuck you." He turns slowly, his shirt falling back over his creamy (cement colored?) skin. "I try reaching out to you for one second and all you do is continue this fucking charade. I don't even understand you, there's obviously something seriously wrong and you're too full of your stupid cool kid shit to even realize it."

 

"Hey," You walk towards the doorway were he's planted himself, wanting to leave as soon as possible now. Maybe you shouldn't get out more. "You're the one hate-flirting with me right now. Or whatever. Look Karkat, I'm just trying to get my grub on. No pun intended."

 

He snarls at you, immediately turning and pacing down he hallway so fast you swear you saw sparks. 

 

You sigh, turning down the hallway and walking the opposite direction, your eyes focused on every third light. 

 

You know, the dark wasn't always too bad. Karkat's skin was a lot darker than the other trolls now that you think about it. 

 

* * *

 

 

You've had a lot of time to think about it, and you've finally come to the conclusion that you have the hots for Karkat Vantas. Your teenage hormones mixed with absolute loneliness due to your intense anxiety have you hungering for every inch of his anger-infested body. You couldn't keep your mind off the one inch you did see, couldn't help but think of what else rested beneath the gray sweaters and tight white t-shirts that where obviously too small. Did he wear them because he knew you where looking? Because you totally where. 

 

You've been pinned up in your room running him over and over again in your mind, wondering if he was thinking of you or if he ever felt the same things you where. What was he doing right now? Better question: What was he wearing?

 

You were driving yourself insane, mixing your mind up with awkward sexual advances between you and Terezi with actual sex between you and John and what your fantasy mold of Karkat was. It was confusing you, and you knew better than to sit still and let this mull around in your head but you did it anyways. 

 

Your soundtrack for the next week was 2005 Fall Out Boy and the sound of empty stolen liquor bottles against your cement floors, which was the perfect shade of Karkat. You were constantly shitfaced now, and speaking of constantly shitfaced you hadn't heard anything from Rose at all lately. Which was odd, especially after Karkats recent excursion. 

 

You scribbled touch-hungry, lust-filled love lyrics throughout every notebook, over and over until you decided that what started out as innocent eye candy was a hormone infused obsession. 

 

Should you act upon it? No. Never. That would be an ultimate catastrophe. 

 

Are you going to? Absolutely. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Karkat?" Your fist falls heavily against the wooden door, whiskey hot on your breath and your ego. 

 

You hear scrambling from inside, paper fluttering, bare feet against concrete floors. These walls were paper thin, and you could almost hear his every movement. Was there an empty room next to his?

 

You never thought once this was a bad idea. In fact, it was an awesome idea. Totally. As long as you didn't barf before he opened the door. Or after. 

 

You listened as the sounds of hands against the old doorknob rattled from behind the door. When it opened, you weren't really mentally prepared for what you saw. 

 

Karkat stood before you, hair in a total ragged mess wearing some sort of distressed crop top with baggy pajama pants to match. All monochromes, minus his horns. He was a gray masterpiece. 

 

"Oh." His sleepy eyes ran up and down your body. "It's you."

 

"Yup," You push your palm against the old door, moving in on him in the small doorway. "It's me."

 

You place your hand against his ribs underneath the hem of his crop top before closing the door behind you, pushing him against the wall to your left. 

 

"What the fuck are you-"

 

And all at once your mouth is pressed against his, your tongue pushing against his ragged teeth, and you know he'll throw you off. You know he'll scream at you, kick you out, and avoid you forever. But you had to feel this just one damn time. You had to feel his skin against yours, his hot breath on your face, his teeth nicking the edge of your lip and his hands in your hair, whether it was pulling or not. 

 

So you tell yourself to soak in every second of it as you run your hands up his sides, bite his lip just like you want him to do to you. But what you're waiting for doesn't happen. He doesn't struggle, doesn't force you off of him. 

 

He caves into you, his arms reaching over your shoulders and his hips throwing themselves into yours. A moan bubbles in your throat and into Karkat's mouth as you pry at the backs of his thighs, lifting him up against the wall in front of you. 

 

You pull away first, going straight for his neck, trailing drunk, sloppy kisses all the way down to his collar bone. He's panting, gasping air as you struggle to pull your shirt off over your head, and as you do your glasses hit the floor.

 

You both stop, your heads turning suddenly to stare at the floor beside you. 

 

What the fuck are you doing. 

 

You shake your head once, twice, before the self realization that you where insanely and incredibly drunk. You could smell it on your skin, along with the scent of Karkats saliva coating your face. 

 

"I'm sorry." You don't look at him as you set him down. You keep your face pointed on the floor, your hand tightened into a fist around your shirt. 

 

Your scars, they where everywhere. On your hips, on your shoulders, and especially on your arms. 

 

For the first time ever, the alcohol on your lips wasn't flaming your confidence, but deplenishing it. And fast.

 

You stood in front of him, bare and exposed. No glasses, no shirt, and no idea what you where going to do next. Your brain was crashing in on you, your skull caving on itself and your words tripping out of your mouth before they even have the chance to form. 

 

"I'm... I'm drunk and I can't-" A sob chokes in your throat, you still can't look up at him. "I can't breathe. I'm-"

 

"Dave." Karkat's voice is small, and calming. You focus in on it as you shut your eyes. You have to find someway to not let him see without your glasses.

 

"Dave, let me help. Please."

 

You don't move. You don't reply. Maybe if you stand still he'll go away. But alas, a small hand wraps around your clinched fist and worms your shirt out of your tight grip. 

 

"Dave. Open your eyes, I have your glasses. Here, trade off for the shirt." 

 

Cold plastic and metal cools against the palm of your hand and you immediately feel calmed. You slowly bring them to your face, and only when the bridge of your nose feels completely covered do you open your eyes. 

 

Karkat stands before you, his hands holding your tshirt pressed against his chest, his head cocked to look up at you as your face pointed towards the ground. 

 

"Hey." Your words barely escape your mouth. 

 

He grins. "Hey."

 

You attempt to smile back. "Can I have my shirt?"

 

"Oh," he awkwardly hands you your shirt back. "Sorry."

 

You pull it over your body slowly, taking your time and making sure not to knock your glasses over again. 

 

"I'm gonna go back to my room now."

 

He nods, his eyes darting around the room. "Uh, do you... by chance want to hang out later? Or whatever. I downloaded Little Shop of Horrors on my laptop, and I know you like musicals so... I don't know. Nevermind-"

 

"No." You cough slightly from a dry throat. "I mean, yeah. I do. Confirmed. I confirm the date. I mean," Your hand darts behind your neck as you glance down at Karkats bare feet. Where his toenails painted? "I mean not a date. A hang out. Yeah."

 

He nods. "Yeah. Go home and get some sleep. You need it."

 

You nod back. And as you leave his room, you know you're definitely not going to get any sleep.


	2. These Words Are All I'll Have So I'll Write Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup update a day after i posted lmao. and oral sex !?!?!?!!!??! in only chapter two !?!?!?!?!?!?!
> 
> yes. you're damn right. i am the author and i make the fucking rules. enjoy this trash . and if you every listen to music while reading this, or it reminds you of a song, tell me ! i love making playlists for my fics lollolol okay read up my dudes

At first it was weird, Karkat constantly trying to hang out with you.

He would randomly show up at your room, boardgames, movies, books, and laptop in his tiny arms. You're honestly suprised he made it all the way to your room with all of it. He would lie, sprawled out over your couch, some garbage erotica in his hands on the quiet days, like today. (and yes, he definately painted his nails. They where bright red today.)

You sat on the floor in front of him, one earbud in your ear attached to your laptop so you could listen to the beat you made while you wrote the lyrics.

It was conforting now, having someone with you. There have been a few days when he would get too frustrated with you and storm out, but for some reason he always came back. Maybe to make sure you weren't dead.

"What are you writing?" His voice is soft, sleepy. This was your favorite version of Karkat.

"A song."

"Ah." He leans his head back down to the armrest, directing his head back to the ceiling. "I don't know why you're so adament about writing those raps all the time. Like, a whole culture has been lost and you only spend your time reinventing one part of it."

You sigh. "I wasn't aware it was solely my job to reinvent human culture. I'm just going to start telling you complete bullshit now. Part of my," You lean on your elbows in order to do air quotes. "'reinvention.'"

He throws his dumb romance novel at you lazily. "You barfbrain."

You laugh, way too hard. Well maybe snort. "How many fucking 90's movies have you been watching? Jesus if you go around calling people 'barfbrain' I might start taking you less seriously than I already do. And for your information I don't just write raps. It's a song. As in the singing kind."

He cocks an eyebrow. "The singing kind? As in you sing? That's so lameee. I thought you where supposed to be a cool kid."

You shrug and push yourself up, sitting with your legs crossed of the floor. "A cool kid has to fake being lame sometimes. For the ladies."

You shoot him lazy finger guns as he rolls his eyes at you, rolling over on the couch to face the inside.

"Hey!" You laugh, leaning back on your arms. "You can't see but I'm winking. Mad hard. Moves so strong you don't even need to see 'em."

You know he's smiling against his will. "You are a barfbrain."

You grin as you push yourself off the ground. "Huh? What punk?"

You put your hands on his shoulder and his waist as he lies sideways on the couch and gently shake him. "Don't talk shit to me. Strider's don't take shit from punk trolls like you."

He throws your hands off, sitting up straight and looking up at your glasses.

"You know I've written songs about you." The words fall out of your mouth before you can think about it.

A look of confusion paints his face. "W-What? Why?"

Karkat got a bad stutter when he was embarrassed, so you've learned over the past few days. It was adorable.

"It goes like this,"

You take a few steps back and try your hardest to mock a cheerleader position.

"When I say shouty, you say Karkat! Shouty!"

You lean forward, extending your stiff cheerleader arms to Karkat, keeping an extreme look of enthusiasum on your face.

"When I say bossy, you say Karkat! Bossy!"

Nothing. You did your cheerleader dance for what seemed like forever until Karkat started chunking pens from your pin bag at you.

"Okay, okay! Jeez, tough crowd."

You fall into the couch beside him, worn out from your extreme jazz hands.

"But seriously," Karkat turns and faces you, shifting his sitting so his legs are crossed with his back to the armrest. He was a wearing a light gray tshirt that just rode above his belly botton and baggy army green pants today. He was trying to kill you.

"Have you really written a song about me? I would tell you I wrote some shit about you.

"Hold on there, babe." You made it a point to call Karkat 'babe' at least once per day. Just to watch him squirm. "The stuff you write, is a hell of a lot different from the stuff I write. You write like, nasty troll romance. I create art, or whatever."

He snorts. "Well that's pretty fucking funny you think that, because I ave written about you."

Your turn to look confused. "Please tell me I'm not like, munching troll crotch in it or anything. Or if I am, the troll is at least like mad hot. What even is 'hot' by troll standards?"

He rolls his eyes. "No, you are not," he lazily lifts his arms, and you grin as he does small airquotes, something he learned from you. "'munching troll crotch. And troll's standards of beauty are almost parallel to humans. Except we like things a tad bit bigger, weight wise."

"Oh," You push your glasses from your face up into your hair. "You mean thick."

Karkat's jaw drops, and you know exactly what you did. He stops, looking you dead in the eyes, not being able to look away from them for a second. His mouth opens as if he's about to say something, but he doesn't. He drops his head to his lap. "Yeah."

You try your hardest not to smile. You felt confortable enough around Karkat to not wear your glasses, but you really didn't feel like making a big deal of it.

"Are you hot by troll standards?" You bend down while you talk, picking your laptop up off the ground and setting it in your lap. "Cause you're pretty hot by human standards."

His hands jolt to his face, and you don't even have to look to know he's blushing. "Dammit Dave."

You grin as you pull up some random rom-com you downloaded the other day. 27 Dresses? You think that's what it's called.

"By the way, I like your nails." You look over at him, his blushed face glaring up at you. "They match my eyes."

* * *

 

You lean against the counter in the pantry, Karkat sitting on the counter across from you. He has his hand buried in a bag of jelly beans, his mouth attached to some alien brand of soda, your phone sitting in his lap.

"This isn't too terrible. You made this?"

You simply nod. The best thing about hanging out with Karkat was communication wasn't 100 percent necessary. He understood words where hard.

Your earbuds dangled from his ears, rubbing against his chin and framing his face.

You had both agreed on letting each other see your art, whether it was music or writing. But you where starting off with baby steps, so a simple mix with no vocals sufficed right now. Yesterday he let you read fanfiction he wrote last year about some weird troll TV show. It wasn't too bad, and you where honestly impressed.

"It's really good actually. You're pretty talented."

You smile. "In more ways than one."

He scowls.

You where wearing your prescription glasses right now, thin rectangular metal frames that covered up nothing compared to your shades. No one came out to the pantry at this time of night, so when Karkat suggested going to get some snacks during your movie night, you didn't bother. You almost put on a jacket, but decided not to. Karkat had covered your arms in anti-bacteria cream and band aids, so it didn't really matter at this point. The scars that where already healed where puffy and pink, little ribbons of red decorating your arms. At least that's how Karkat put it.

You where wearing a black tshirt and red basketball shorts. When Karkat had questioned your outfit earlier, it was absolutely hilarious trying to explain the concept of basketball to him. Sports aparently was not a big thing in Alternia.

"When are you gonna let me listen to the stuff about me?" He grins slightly, his tongue barely poking out from behind his mess of teeth. Fuck.

"When you let me read the nasty troll erotica you wrote about me. Am I good? I mean, in the story am I good. How big did you say my dick was? I have so many questions."

His face contorts in confusion as he pulls your earbuds out and sets his soda down. "Is that what it's called? And why does it matter how big it is? Humans are so weird."

"I can show you if you want." You take a few steps towards him, pressing your hips against the counter as he sat in front of you. "So you have a more accurate description in your writing."

He scowls at you, his face inches from yours. You let your hands find his ankles, pullng his legs down around you. He's blushing, his face a deep shade of red, and you help but smile.

You lean forward, your lips meeting the curve of his neck, and you dab small kisses along his shoulder.

"Dave," His voice is desperate, but quiet. "We're in the pantry."

"Kitchen sex is supposed to be really hot. I mean out of all the human romance you read you should know that-"

"Holy shit."

You jolt away from Karkat's neck, your eyes darting to the pantry door, where none other than Terezi Pyrope stood, mouth agape with a can of soda in each hand.

Her eyes lock with yours, and she gasps again, loud and genuine. "Dave, oh my gog. Holy shit."

Your glasses. Your arms. Fuck. You didn't know how she knew, but you knew she knew. It took a lot to surprise Terezi, and this was definately a lot.

Karkat's hands had found his mouth, a look of shock coating his entire face. This was awkward for everyone. Haven't Karkat and Terezi had sex before? You where pretty sure she had mentioned it to you before. And your many intimate encounters with Terezi seemed to hang in the air like a dead weight.

You all three stand there for what seems like forever, until she gently sets her sodas on the counter beside her, only a few feet from where you stood wrapped in Karkat's legs.

"Can you, um. Put these in the fridge for me? Thanks. Sorry."

And just like thats she's gone, darted into the dark of the hallway.

You turn back to Karkat, his hands still covering his mouth, and you have no idea how to feel about the situation at all whatsoever. You and Terezi where old news, and you both still remained friends, but you had no idea where her and Karkat stood.

You run your hand through your hair, and set your small metal framed glasses down beside Karkats ass on the counter.

"Well." You look up at Karkat, his eyes locked into yours. "We missed the perfect opportunity for a threesome. A kitchen sex threesome, on top of that."

And you know you deserve the slap that comes directly after that.

* * *

 

Ever since the whole "Terezi walking in on you trying to fuck your troll bro-dude in the pantry" you've decided to give Karkat some slack. You always badger him with sexual innuendos and constant flirting, but lately you've backed off, knowing that the whole thing was weirder for him than it was you.

But after two failed attempts at trying to get into Karkat's pants, you weren't gonna fuck up a third time. You were viciously determined.

So as you sit alone in your room, your hand slid under the waistband of your boxers, you really didn't need a suprise visit from Rose right now.

The knock was loud, but still gentile, something you knew only Rose could do.

"Dave? Are you busy?"

Yes, you were fucking busy.

You scrambled out of your bed, throwing on a pair of pants tossed on the ground as you struggle to find a tshirt. You spot Karkats gray distressed crop top on the couch from a few days ago when you had a pillow fort slumber party and throw it on under a jacket before tossing on your shades and running to the door. You think about that first time you went to Karkat's room, and pray to god she didn't hear you.

You swing the door open a little too fast. "Yo."

Her face is twisted in confusion. She eyes you up and down slowly. "...Yo."

You let her in, your room a complete mess. A tattered monopoly board lie on the floor in front of the couch, a long with a ton of movie cases and Karkat's laptop. A pile of erotica novels set beside your bed (dammit karkat) and clothes litered to room everywhere.

Rose steps around the pens Karkat threw at you a week ago as she makes her way to the couch. She looks up at you as she sits down, a grin stretched across her perfectly painted lips. "Nice outfit."

Fuck. "Uh, thanks." You attempt to pull the fabric over your belly button. It doesn't work. "What's up? I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Well," She pulls her feet up on the couch, crossing her legs near her against her thighs. "Terezi came over to speak to Kanaya a few days ago."

"God dammit." You walk to the couch, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. "What'd she say?"

"She said you had him pinned against the counter, and that you had claw marks all over your arms." You tense at the mention of your scars. "She was afraid you two had veared into a black-rom relationship. Kanaya asked me to check in on it."

She glances around the room as she talks, taking in the ne enviorment.

"Well, fear not. Me and Karkat are perfectly fine in our totally platonic relationship."

"Totally platonic?" She gestures to the floor in front of her, the remains of a pillow fort and a few too many movie nights covering the cold concrete. "Is that what this looks like?"

"Dude, get of my baaaaack. It feels good to have a friend. Or whatever. I don't really care what we are, it's just nice to have company."

She nods. "I've been trying to give your space, every since Karkat came to me for the first aid kit that one day." You cringe at her words. She sighs. "It seems as if that was the wrong thing to do. Would you like to have dinner? In the common room tomorrow night? You can bring Karkat. I think it would be nice to have all of us together."

You sigh. You knew she was trying this for you, so you nodded in agreeance. "Sure, as long as your not cooking any weird troll shit. Keep Kanaya the fuck out of the kitchen."

She grins. "But I thought all the best things happen in the kitchen?"

You were glad you where wearing your shades, so Rose couldn't see you blush.

* * *

 

Karkat came late that night, three tattered notebooks in hand.

He came through the door like a hurricane, not mad, but determined.

"Hey."

He blew air from his mouth as he stood before your bed. "HEY."

"Uh," you set in your bed, still wearing Karkat's shirt and a pair of boxers. You were continuing what you had been doing previously before Rose came earlier, but Karkat hadn't seem to notice under the piles of blankets on your bed. "You know knocking would be cool."

"OH." He glances at the door, left wide open behind him. "SORRY."

He swiftly walks to the door and you take the chance to adjust yourself, praying you don't have to get up for any reason.

He shuts the door, turning back to you with a stern look on his face. He walks over and climbs into bed with you, wrapping your covers around his small body.

"So, I figured you where never gonna let me listen to your songs unless I let you read my writing first. So I brought it. And I'm gonna do it. Like ripping off a band aid."

You grin. You had taught him the expression a few days ago while replacing the band aids on your arms. It was cute how he soaked stuff in like that.

"Okay so," You glance down in his arms. "Why three notebooks?"

He huffs. "Well. They are all three different sweeps of my life. This one from the first year I met you, this one from last year and this one from a few months ago." He holds them up, one by one letting you scan them with your eyes.

You take your shades off and set them to the side. "Are they all about me?"

"No, you egotistical douche. Not all of it. Just some. A few storys and poems here and there."

You grin, flattered at the idea of Karkat writing poetry about you. "What do I read first?"

His determination spreads across his face once again. "Here. I'll pick."

* * *

 

You spend hours reading through Karkat's notebooks before realizing he had fallen asleep.

Karkat was a good author, and you loved seeing how his opinion of you had changed over the years. In his first notebook, when he wrote about you he was angry. He sounded mad, and he hated the idea of you, but in his second he had calmed down. He sounded more annoyed than anything, but his writing of you sounded almost envious. He was definately confused on his opinion of you, stating how you where physically attractive but you where too unbearable to be around. In the last notebook though, it was just like the stuff you had written him. It was crazy, love-hungry, desprate and honestly, depressing.

After the night you had stormed in and pushed him against the wall, he was crazy about you. You hadn't really thought of the affect that had on him, but it apparently had done a lot. He was worried sick about you, writing about your certain mood changes and analyzing certian things you did. You loved it, you loved the idea of Karkat paying close attention to everything you did, because you where always doing the same thing.

You set the notebooks down, glancing over at him passed out beside you. He was curled in a ball, his small hand placed on your chest.

"Karkat, wake up."

He growled as you shook him gently, rolling over on his back and letting his small shirt rise above his belly button. God dammit he looked so perfect.

You set your hand on his hip, gently rubbing the bare skin above the waistband of his pants.

"Karkat." You lean down and kiss his stomach gently, crawling down the bed you moved to get in between his legs. "Wake up."

He stirred slowly, his sleepy eyes fluttering as your fingers curled under the elastic band of his pajama bottoms.

"Dave? What are you-"

You gently dig your teeth into the flesh on his right hip, a sleepy moan bubbling from Karkat's lips in response.

"Dave..."

You glance up at him, your arms hooked around the underside of his thighs. "Do you not want me to? Say no and I won't."

"No, I-" He cuts himself off, placeing the palms of his hands over his eyes. "I mean yes. I don't know, I'm-"

You slowly pull down the waistband of his pants, revealing a tight pair of pink and yellow boxers. Cute.

He moans as you kiss the inside of his thigh, pressing your thumb against the middle of his sex through his boxers. You weren't extremely familiar with troll junk, but you had enough knowledge from your past ventures with Terezi to get by.

"Do you want me too?" You slide your hands under his boxers, letting them rest where his legs meet his hips. "Tell me what you want."

"Dave, please, come on."

"I said," You slip your hand lower, your thumb running up between the two lips of his sex, masaging gently. "Tell me. What you. Want."

He buckles up into your hands. A moan shuddering from his lips. "I... I want you to eat me out."

"That's kind of demanding, don't you think?"

He scowls at you hard, and you grin back from between his legs. He's too desperate to contest.

"Please. Please eat me out. I want you too."

You slide his boxers down slowly, taking your time as you sit up to get them off his legs.

He moans, wriggling from under you. "Dave, please."

You lean back down between his legs, kissing the top of his swolen lips. "Shut up." You run your tongue from top to bottom, pressing it flat against him.

He moans loudly, his back arching as you take your right hand and insert two fingers slowly into his pussy. You press your mouth hard against it, sucking lightly and kissing each lip gently, only sticking your fingers in to the second knuckle. You where teasing him, and he knew it.

"Dave, oh my fucking god, please. Please, just make me cum already."

The desperate tone in your voice was enough to turn your minor erection into a full on hard on as a small tentical like object slid slowly out from the middle of Karkat's slit.

You take it in your mouth slowly, dragging your tongue against the base. (At least you think that's what it is) You push your fingers in all the way, sucking hard on the tip of Karkats bulge. He moans your name loudly, filing the room his voice and you know you're a goner.

You sit up, stripping yourself of your shirt as Karkat looks at you longingly. You pull down your boxers, releasing your large erection. You deperately grab Karkat's waist, pulling his waist to yours when he stops.

"Dave, wait."

You pause, your breath hitches in your throat as you stare down at him. "Did I do something wrong?"

He shakes his head. "No, um, no. Shouldn't I like," He reaches up slowly, wrapping his hand around your dick as he leans forward. "Shouldn't I return the favor?"

You moan as Karkat's lips gently kiss the tip of your dick, his tounge sticking out and slowly licking the underside of your cock. Fuck, Karkat was killing you.

"Hello?" A soft knock filled the room from your front door. "Dave? It's Terezi."

What the fuck? Did she not sleep, like, ever?

Karkats expression filled with panic as you hopped up from the bed and threw on his pajama pants. Luckily you both wore about the same size.

You tossed him a tshirt, and quietly told him to hide in the bathroom. He pulled the shirt on over his messy hair, avoiding getting it stuck on his horns, and bolted straight for the bathroom door, slamming it behind him.

You didn't bother with a shirt, you didn't really care, but you did bother with your shades before opening the front door.

"Terezi, it's like the middle of the-"

You stop, at a complete loss of words as you stare over Terezi's barely clothed body. She was wearing tight fuzzy pajama shorts that accented her thighs and stopped just above her waist as well as an extremely tight tank top, no bra.

"Uh, where's your clothes?"

She laughs half heartedly at you. "I couldn't sleep. Can I come in?"

You really wanted to say no, really wanted to ask her to leave and continue getting blown by your best friend who was awkardly sitting in the bathroom. But something in you wanted her to come in.

"Sure." You were glad she couldn't see you through your shades, because you could not take your eyes off her nipples protruding through her shirt. What in the actual fuck was happening.

She walked through slowly, avoiding the mess on the floor as she made her way to your couch.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry, if you got any trouble from Rose. I forgot that her and Kanaya were like, conjoined at the hip."

You laugh, it was something you used to say when the two of you where together. "It's fine, really. We shouldn't have been doing that in the pantry anyways."

She grins up at you. "Wow, Mr. Cool Kid. You've never really been one to follow the rules. At least that's what I remember."

You pause, remembering Karkat in the bathroom. You needed this to be short.

"Well, if that's all you needed I'm gonna hit the hay now. I'll, uh, talk to you later. I think Rose is planning a big dinner tomorrow or something. Maybe I'll see you there-"

"Dave, wait. Do you have room for one more tonight? I know hanging out with you every few months has been weird but, I really miss you man. I miss being a cool kid with you."

The look on her face kills you, and if Karkat wasn't still in the bathroom you might have said yes, but you know you can't.

"I'm sorry Terezi, but, I think I'd rather sleep alone tonight."

Her face falls into a sad frown. She nods. "I get it. I'll see you later."

You nod back to her. "Yeah."

You watch her leave slowly, her eyes taking way too long to glance at Karkats laptop. As soon as she shuts the door behind her, Karkat quietly emerges from the bathroom.

"Hey." His voice is quiet, a calming tone you fall in love with every time you hear it.

You grin sadly at him. "Hey."

He gestures towards the bed as he slowly takes your hand. "You wanna go to sleep?"

You reply with a simple nod. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some one read this and then took their kudos away . me too bud


	3. Choose Love Or Sympathy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little angsty yes my favorite
> 
> i reallly like this chapter tbh so i hope you guys like it. i put a lot of time into trying to tie some stuff together
> 
> anywayyyyys, enjoy homeskillets 
> 
> and i listened to this while typiing : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjtRBViTpZY

You don't fall asleep after Terezi leaves. You can't get her off your damn mind, the desperate tone in her voice, the way she was dressed. She never, EVER, acted like that. It was so out of character, and you where so confused. You spent almost a whole year on this damn meteor with Terezi, you knew her better than you knew anyone here. Hell, you almost could say you knew her better than you knew Rose. Terezi was never the one to demand attention, to crawl back. Something was wrong, and you could totally tell. It was driving you insane.

The lamp on the floor beside your couch subtly lit the room, casting shadows across Karkat's face as he slept. You liked looking at him, liked seeing his face relaxed under the warm light. The lighting in the meteor was all so harsh and so bright, the dim orange hued light-bulb was an extreme relief.

You crawled out of bed slowly, struggling not to wake Karkat who was an extremely light sleeper. You had to talk to Terezi, out of Karkat's reach. You needed to see what was going on, even if that mean't in secrecy.

You don't bother with a shirt as you swiftly pace down the hallway in an unfamiliar direction. Your regular pair of shades are replaced by prescription glasses, and your shoes are replaced with Karkat's pair of dark gray crocs. Yes, crocs. Although Karkat's sense of fashion was mostly at peak, he did not trade his looks for comfort.

You had only been to Terezi's room once or twice in all the time you where together, and one thing you knew about her was she loved hiding places. Not really hiding places themselves, but the idea of someone struggling to find her. Almost like a murder mystery, like detective work. So of course, the door to her room was extremely thin, and surrounded in the maze that was the science halls of the meteor. Her room wasn't really a room, but more of an over sized janitors closet, just big enough for a mattress and a desk.

It takes you about ten minutes to get there in the dark of the science halls, and once you do you bang on the door heavily.

"Rezi? I know you're awake." She was always awake. The chick never slept.

You heard her small footsteps before the door swings open, letting you have a full view of her. Shes wearing a Hellraiser 2 tshirt, and boxer shorts in place of her previous fuzzy pajama shorts. Her eyes glare at your bare ones, before a weak smile spreads across her face. "Hi."

You laugh, leaning against the small doorway of her room, your hand flying through your hair in relief. She's normal again. You grin at her, amazed by how nostalgic this moment is, and trying not to hard to look into it any more than you already are. You where a man on a mission, not looking in the past, but the present.

"Terezi," Your mouth hangs agape, totally at a loss on how to continue your sentence. "What the fuck happened earlier?"

She laughs, something sad that sticks to your heart like tar, and backs away from her doorway, allowing you inside.

You walk in slowly, kicking Karkat's crocs off before walking in, and immediately fall back onto her bed, just like old times. She sits down beside you, sitting sideways, her back halfway facing you.

"So," Her voice is sore, tired, as if she had been yelling too much. "I left you. I left you when you needed me the most it seems, for someone else."

You know this already. She left you for Gamzee. You where just glad she didn't say his name.

You weren't too clear on how troll relationships went, but you knew enough to know that she didn't really leave you. She just put you on pause, so she could tend to another spouse in another quadrant. But it still hurt, you were still only human. She was just putting into terms easier for you to understand.

You nod at her, waiting for her to continue.

"I saw you, saw you with Karkat. And Karkat used to be in your quadrant, before you were. So, seeing him with you, and being so confused with my moirail at the time was all very..."

"Weird." You finish her sentence for her, a bad habit you know she loves.

She nods at you, smiling shallowly. "Yes, weird." She sits up, positioning herself to face you. "I guess, whatever that was, was my last ditch effort to get you back into one of quadrants. Well, you and..." Her voice trails off, her eyes glazing over in embarrassed unfocus.

"Wait..." You sit up, your arms propping yourself up on her dinosaur bedspread as you looked her in the eyes. "Me and Karkat? The both of us?"

She nods sadly, and you realize where you got your terrible nodding habit from. "I knew he was there." Her voice was choked, sad and quiet. "I knew the whole time. It was so manipulative, it wasn't me-"

Tears form in the corners of her eyes and you can't help but just melt into her, grasping her in your arms. "Hey, hey. I know, it's okay."

"And I feel like shit, because the person I ditched you for ending up ditching me for someone. In the same quadrant I thought I was in."

You pull your glasses down, setting them on the floor beside the twin-sized mattress bed. "Wait, Gamzee?" The word tastes sour in your mouth. Almost a he-who-shall-not-be-named kind of thing. "What are you talking about?"

She pulls away from you, her tears drying from the corners of her eyes. Terezi cried often, despite her exterior. But never for long. "What? You mean Karkat hasn't told you?"

You pull yourself to the edge of her bed, your eyes darting over her in confusion. "Hasn't told me what?"

* * *

When you stumble back into your room, Karkat is still passed out in your bed. You smile despite yourself. Despite what Terezi told you just 30 minutes ago. Despite what you did with Terezi afterwards, and the shadow of guilt that hung over you because of it.

Karkat was back with Gamzee.

You hated it, but it was true. You can't do anything about it really, it's just the way trolls are, but you'd be a liar if you didn't say it tore you up inside. So when Terezi told you, you felt desperate, became vulnerable. And she took that up like bait so fast, but you knew she was just the same way. She had just lost all her quadrants, and you felt obligated to help her fill at least one. So you stayed, occupying the space in between her legs and her sheets for just long enough to make her feel temporarily happy again, knowing it would all catch back up with you in the morning.

Karkat would hate you. You knew that with every inch of your being. What quadrant were you even in with him? What quadrant were you even in with Terezi now? Had you unknowingly put all three of you in a quadrant together? You had no fucking clue.

You sat down at the couch, a stolen bottle of liquor from Rose's secret stash in the pantry in hand. You hadn't drank in a while, but you somehow you found yourself chugging in down like you were a month ago in the bathtub with a razor in your hand.

A month ago. That seem like such a short time for this much to happen. A month ago, you were alone, shitfaced and depressed. Now you're just shitfaced and depressed. It's so weird, going from no one to too many. Is having one too many people in your life a thing, when right now you only have two?

Thoughts of Karkat under your tongue mixed with thoughts of Terezi's moans in your mouth as you drank and drank and drank and you couldn't seem to stop. You couldn't seem to stop as you stumbled into the dark bathroom. You couldn't seem to stop as you slid open the drawer beside the sink, pulling out the broken piece of mirror glass tucked in the back. And you couldn't seem to stop as you took it to your face, your drunk hands doing the dirty work as you starred at your bloodshot eyes in the broken mirror of your bathroom.

* * *

 

When you wake up there's lots of screaming. Your first thought was you forgot to set Rose's bottle of vodka back in the pantry before you passed out. Your second thought was, your face was on fucking fire.

You sat up straight, a killer hangover blurring the world around you, but you can make out two things. One, Karkat. Two, blood.

"Dave? Dave? Oh my gog, Dave you're alive. Holy shit. Stay right here, I'm gonna go get Rose."

"No!" You yell it a little too loud, a little too forceful. "I mean, no. Please... please don't."

"Dave," Karkat leans down on his knees on the cold tile in front you, cupping his hands around your face. "Dave, you are hurt. Like seriously. And it doesn't matter if you did it to yourself or not, you need someone to help you."

"Please," The tears start leaking out of your eyes before you can stop them, and you can immediately feel the sting against open wounds directly under your left eye. "Please anyone but Rose."

He looks at you, a stern and caring look that kills you to see, because you know Gamzee probably sees it too. He probably sees it all the time. You were in the fucking sex quadrant, that's all it was. All physical too him. Gamzee had the love. He had the friendship, the kind tenderness. This was fake.

Your sadness turns to anger in your wasted state, and you snappily push Karkat off of you and stand to your feet.

"Dave!" He chases after you into the bedroom, watching you as you struggle to pull over a tshirt without reopening the wound of your eye. "Dave what the fuck are you doing?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were with Gamzee!" It was more of a statement than a question. You yell it so loud to, you hate being loud.

"What?" Karkat sputters in confusion.

"You... heard me." You say it so soft, it's almost a whisper. You won't let yourself lose it again.

Karkat's eyes drop to Dave's feet, which are still in Karkat's ugly crocs. "I... I should have. I didn't know how-"

  
"So you just didn't." You've found your shades on the floor, and slipped them over your eyes. You felt too exposed right now. "You just didn't mention that you were literally in another, parallel relationship with a murder-clown who literally wants to paint the walls of the meteor with my brains."

"Hey, that's unfair you don't-"

"What, I don't know him? I don't know you? I don't understand quadrants? Because if that's what you're gonna say, then shit. You're right. I fucking don't. You know I fucked Terezi last night? She wanted us all three to be in some kind of hate-fuck threesome quadrant and I think I unknowingly did it, so you can check that off your list. Back in a quadrant with your two favorite buddies in the whole world, your has-been and good ole Murderface the happy juggalo. And oh, don't forget me, your cute little fuck-toy."

The slap you get is totally unexpected. And hard, even worse because it's on the left side of your face. You feel blood dribble down to your chin, the wound reopening after drying shut last night. It falls to the floor, making small pitter-patter noises in the silence. You know you might've said too much. You know the liquor might have made you say it in the wrong way. But you knew you weren't wrong. At least for the most part.

You stand up straight, looking Karkat directly in the eyes through your blood splattered shades. "Is this what we are now?" You shrug, a sad laugh bubbling in your mouth. "What quadrant is this?"

Karkat brings his hands to his mouth quietly, pink tears cornering at his eyes.

"It's only been a month, but I love you." Tears come back up, choking sobs in your throat. "That sounds so damn naive. But Karkat you managed to drag me out of hole that I just keep fucking dragging myself into. And I don't to share you, with Gamzee, with Terezi, or with anyone else. I'm jealous, and I want you mine."

"How can you say that?" Karkat's words catch in his mouth as he speaks. "How can you say that and then go with Terezi in the middle of the night when I'm asleep? In your bed! Wearing your shirt!" He shakes his head, tears gasping in his voice as he speaks. "I wake up to this? You think I'm not confused Dave? You think I don't have questions? Dave," He comes close to you, pulling your shades off and throwing them on the floor in one swift motion. "Dave, you tried to gouge your fucking eye out. I woke up, to you on the floor of the bathroom surrounding by broken glass and blood, with a scar all the way down the right side of your face. That's permanent Dave. That shit won't heal. I care about you, whether you believe it or not, and you did this while I was supposed to be with you, when I was supposed to be-"

"This isn't your fault, this is..." Fuck. You don't know what the fuck this is. All you knew was that you were bleeding. A lot.

You fall back, your arm grabbing for the wall beside you, and Karkat is by your side in seconds, guiding you to the bed. You throw your head back, putting your full weight on him as you allow him to guide you, but only fast enough to see a shadow of an arm retracting in your upper air vent, the caged cover open, and lightly swinging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a p short chapter but the next one will b a lot longer xoxo gossip girl


	4. I'm Not The Desperate Type But You've Got Me Looking In Through Blinds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAMZEE MAKES AND APPEARANCE !!! sorta ,,,,,, gamkat is sorta my notp but i understand that some of you might LOVE gamkat so do not worry ,, you will read this chapter and scream "why would she write this trash !?!?!?!" but all will b explained my friends
> 
> also, has anyone caught on to the fall out boy chapters ?? ive kinda got a theme going lmao o o 
> 
> enjoy ! and guys comments make me thrive, so dont be afraid to post one ! :)

"Karkat."

Your fingers are overlapped by small gray ones, lightly gripping your scarred knuckles. Did you punch something in your drunken state last night? You don't even remember.

"Dave." His voice is small, quiet. It barely bounces off the walls and into your ear, and you love the way your name rolls off his tongue.

"We have to go eat dinner."

He sighs, his hair brushing over your forehead as the vent pushes cold air over the both of you. You don't tell Karkat what you saw. You don't even let yourself believe what you saw. As soon as Karkat left the room earlier, you hopped up to the air vent, shutting it tight before he noticed. It wasn't real. You hadn't seen Gamzee since you got here, and you weren't going to start seeing him now. You wouldn't let yourself.

"Okay. Let's get up."

You laugh. Karkat had literally just sat down. As soon as you had somewhat blacked out, Karkat made you sit on the bed as he poked and prodded your entire face. Once he was satisfied with making your face look less ugly than before, he immediately started the process of cleaning the bathroom. He hated messes, something you've noticed over the past few weeks. You eventually passed out, only waking when Karkat crawled into bed beside you ten minutes ago.

"How do you have this endless pit of energy?" Your words fill the air as he rolls out onto the floor, but you know he's not listening. "Your blood is like, infused with monster energy drink, you edgy emo fuck. Maybe that's why you taste so sweet."

He picks up a book off the floor from beside the bed, chunking it at you as you grin deviously from halfway under your sheets. You had moved back to your usual routine of flirting and sexual innuendos. You liked it better this way.

"Get up you asshole. I need to change the bandages on your eye."

You groan, throwing yourself down into the pillows behind you. "Mom, five more minutes."

Another book gets chunked through the air, missing your nose by an inch. Maybe you should get up.

He stands beside the bed as you inch to the edge, throwing your legs over and sitting up straight. Karkat reaches up slowly, wrapping calm fingers under each bandage and pulling them off one by one. It takes a few painful minutes for Karkat to finish, and you run him over your strategic lie for Rose one more time.

"I got drunk, you tried to pull the bottle away, and my dumb ass pulled it back so hard I slammed it into my eye, smashing my shades into my face in the process. Got it?"

He nods, his eyes too focused on your face to hear your words. He looks like Terezi, sadly nodding with glazed eyes. You kept the thought to yourself.

You both finish up and get dressed, but not before having a sloppy make out session against your back wall. Once your done, you smooth your hair down in the bathroom mirror, pulling an alchamized replica pair of the glasses John gave you over your eyes.

You think about John a lot lately. You had never been completely comfortable with your sexuality, that was until John came along. He was so open with you, so honest about every boy in his school, every late night spent behind the mall of his hometown playing with lighters and breathing fire into the mouths unfamiliar friends who where nothing more than a pair of hands. Good hands, but not as good as yours apparently.

"You're so good at this," His voice rang in your ears every time you got close to anyone. "Are you sure you've never done this before?"

Good memories of John were always laced with sex. Like the time you both stayed up on skype because you couldn't sleep. You both had so much fun, joking about stupid shit, watching movies and trading secrets. Eventually you had passed out, skype continuing to run in the background of your laptop. You woke up early that morning to the sounds of John's self induced moans ringing through your bedroom. Bro thought you were straight up watching porn.

You shook the thoughts from your head, returning yourself to reality as you hear the hum of Karkat's soft voice from the couch. You loved hearing Karkat sing, he had a subtle edge to his voice that hung deep to lower tones. It was something you could sink into, and you dreamed of the day when you grew the confidence for a duet.

" _I'm sitting out dances on the wall,_

_Trying to forget everything that isn't you._

_I'm not going home alone,_

_Cause I don't do too well on my own_."

You introduced him to Under the Cork Tree not too long ago, and he's taken to memorizing every song by heart. You honestly think he only likes it because you do, but hearing the songs imprinted on your heart sang by the person you've fallen for the most is nothing to complain about.

" _I'm sleeping my way out of this one,_

_With anyone who will lie down._

_I'll be stuck fixated on one star,_

_When the world is crashing down_."

You feel the words pouring out of your mouth before you can stop them, and you honestly don't care anymore. Karkat trusted you with his voice, why not trust him with yours? You sang quietly, just barely enough to reach to doorway of the bathroom, but you still hear the awkward and slow shuffle of Karkat inching to the door as you continue.

You finish buttoning your red flannel, singing quietly as you go. You love knowing Karkat is pressed against the wall, staying silent in fear of spooking you off.

"Hey, are you ready?"

You hear a thump from the other room, feet tapping over to the couch.

"Yup. Whenever you are."

A grin stretches across your face slowly. Maybe dinner wouldn't be too bad.

* * *

 

"I honestly didn't think you would show," Rose's perfectly painted black lips curled in the candle light of the dinning room. "But it seems as if you brought a plus one."

Rose had always been theatrical, but this was over the top. There was about a million candles on the small table, and four seat decorated to perfection.

"Since the lights go off in the dining room after 10, Rose believed candles were a better alternative." Kanaya smiled at both you and Karkat, something genuine that you loved to see on her. Kanaya was one of your favorite people, definitely in your top ten. You were glad Rose had found someone so perfect for her, she deserved it.

"It's lovely, really. So are you guys providing the baby for our sacrifice? Because we forgot ours at home in the fridge. I didn't remember we had our cult meeting tonight."

"Dave," Rose scrunches her nose, a look of distaste spreading across her face. "That wasn't even clever. I'm almost positive I texted you a reminder last week."

You grin, despite yourself. Rose always had a way of working her humor into yours. It was effortless for her.

You look down at Karkat, who is making faces at Kanaya in total confusion. His face is perfectly highlighted in the dim lighting, and you love the way his eyes look with flames dancing off of them.

"Let's sit, shall we? Enough odd, human jabber."

You place your hand on the small of Karkat's back, slowly guiding him to the table. You didn't know if he was still with Gamzee after last night, didn't even know if he had talked to hm or not since then. But in this moment, you didn't care, because you were about to have a gay-inter-species double date, and you're pretty sure there's only four people in this universe right now who can check that off their list.

You eat spaghetti in comfortable conversation, Kanaya offering Karkat a copy of a book she recently finished, Rose asking Karkat if had ever had spaghetti before, and then the dreaded topic arrives.

"Dave," Kanaya's voice quivers from across the table as her eyes stay locked to yours from behind your shades. "My apologies, but are you okay? What happened to your... um..."

She lifts her hand with her fork, motioning it around her eye. Rose's face turns to yours in a heartbeat, her eyes darting to lock with the bandages poking down from under your glasses.

"Ah," Karkat's voice is sturdy as he speaks, and you hold your breath as he continues. "Dave has recently discovered the alcohol cabinet in the pantry. Ended up busting his other shades into his eye like a dumbass. It happened last night."

"I thought you were with Terezi last night?"

You all pause, your food catching in your throat and Karkat dropping his utensils as all eyes dart to Kanaya.

"I mean, at least that is what she told me. I saw her today, at the pantry while helping prepare dinner."

You swallow your food. Karkat keeps to staring at his lap.

"I'm a busy guy Kanaya," You pick Karkat's fork off the ground, touching his knee gently as you do. "You know, in between my late night adventures and almost gouging my eye out, I'm also a pro editor. Karkat's been letting me read some of his troll porn."

Kanaya stifles a laugh, and the comment earns you an endearing kick from your small angry boyfriend. "It's not porn, you asshole."

You grin down at him, knowing he couldn't stay mad at you forever, but when you glance up at rose, her cold blue eyes are staring you down un-phased. You know she won't say anything now, not in the midst of her girlfriends laughter or your gentle grin, but she wants you to know that she knows. She knows something has gone wrong.

Her eyes cut away from you, dragging her fork to her plate and shoving another forkful of pasta into her mouth. "I'm starting to think I need a drink too."

Kanaya giggles once again, and Karkat can't help but grin at Rose's snark comment, but something behind Rose catches your eye. Maybe because your wearing your shades, and it's too dark to make out through the shadows of the dining room through candle light, but you could have sworn a nail in the small rectangular vent on the floor behind rose pops up slowly as she speaks. You watch it carefully, your eyes focusing in the flickering candle light. And you flinch as it falls over on it's side, rolling around in a small circle on the floor.

* * *

 

You didn't want to, you really really didn't want to. But you needed to tell someone about the vents. You needed someone, anyone to listen. It was driving you insane, you had been paranoid thinking about it the entire diner, and the whole trip back to your room.

Did he know you were watching? Is that why he did it? Because if so it mean't he was taunting you, and you were not gonna let some shitface clown turn you into a nervous wreck. But if not, if he didn't know you saw, that mean't he was following you. Or following Karkat, one of the two. Either way, you couldn't shake it from your mind.

The first night, the vent was open. Wide. Fucking. Open.

You saw his arm, his entire arm, retract as you and Karkat both turned. He was in the room, with the both of you, and that's a feeling you can't seem to fucking shake.

So as you paced your way through the science halls, Karkat far into sleep in your bed, you know you're most likely going to regret this. But you had to do it. You had to tell someone.

She was awake, like always. The chick never slept.

"Rezi, baby, I need some help."

The door swung open swiftly, as if she had already been waiting on you.

"Well, hello. Jeez, I've been graced by your presence for two nights in a row. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Your psycho ex boyfriend."

Her brows furrow in confusion as you allow yourself into the room, flopping down on her tiny bed. She lays down beside you on her stomach, and you automatically feel wrong, sitting up and pressing your back against the wall.

"Terezi, I think Gamzee is following me. Or Karkat. I don't really care who, because we're always together, but it doesn't matter. I don't understand why." Your hands run under your shades, carefully rubbing your eyes, and your glad Terezi doesn't mention the bandage.

"Well, I don't know why he would follow you." She sits up, letting her hand rest in her palm. "And if you're always together, maybe he's waiting for when your apart."

"He would follow me because he's got some creepy clown vendetta against me, and-" But you stop. Because it hits you. You where never apart, except for now.

* * *

 

You loved to run, in middle school you joined the track team for a year, and you were extremely good at it, winning second in state once. But this was a different kind of running, the desperate kind, like you see in the movies when the guy is running through the airport to confess his love. The kind that burned your lungs, and tore your throat to shreds.

Every third light passed in a blur above you as you ran through the empty meteor. But that didn't bother you, all you could think about was that your room was empty. That your bed wasn't empty, Karkat was there, asleep in his grey crop top and your red silk boxer shorts, and he had a tiny braid in the front of his hair that you did as he fell asleep. That's how he was, that's how he should be. At least that's what you wanted, as you approached the door to your room. But when you opened it, that's not at all what you found.

* * *

 

Your sword was out in seconds, lying heavy in the palm of your hand as you watched him crawl back into the ceiling where he came from, not bothering to shut the cover behind him. He was huge, a shadow. As black as night, and as tall as the space between the floor and the air vent itself.

You rarely ever got scared, but something about Gamzee made you want to piss yourself. He was unpredictable, you couldn't control him.

You glance down at Karkat once you're sure Gamzee has left, and you hate what you see.

He's sitting on the floor in front of the bed, pink tears streaming down his face and mixing into the bright cherry blood dripping down his neck. Bite marks, at least three of them, littered Karkat's neck and collarbone.

"He's not my moirail..." He whispered, something so quiet you barely heard it from across the room.

You sprinted to him, falling down and stripping him of his shirt before you realize he's not wearing your boxers anymore.

"Karkat, where are your pants?"

His head falls onto your shoulder, his body shaking as he sobs. "He took them with him."

You hated being mad. You really did, there was nothing worse to you than a person who couldn't control their own emotions. But in this very moment, you had never been so mad in your entire life. He ran as soon as you walked in. He was a fucking coward.

You wanted to scream, you wanted to rip this meteor to shreds until you found him. But all you could do was lightly kiss Karkat's forehead, over and over again as you took him into your arms.

All you could do was rid him of his shirt, and carry him slowly to the shower, setting him down in the cold tub as you filled it for him. All you could do, was stay by him as he bathed, and fetch him a towel once he finished. All you could do, was wrap his bare body up in a huge throw blanket, and carry him down to his room, were you knew there was not as single vent.

And as you walked, Karkat's damp hair pressed against your tshirt as Karkat rested his head on your shoulder, you stared directly at every vent you passed, knowing you left your shades in your room. If he was watching, you wanted him to see your face. You wanted him to remember it.

"He would never hurt me," Karkat muttered. "It's not like him to-"

"But he did hurt you." Your voice is solid as you step into Karkat's room, shutting the door lightly behind you. "And that's all there is to it."

You lay down on the bed as Karkat disappears into his bathroom, searching for clothes to wear. You know Karkat hated to be babied, so you allow him to go to pick clothes on his own. When he comes back, you don't ask him happened, because you feel like it would be worse if you knew. At least right now, while you were mad. You just pat the empty space on the bed beside you, and Karkat climbs in slowly to fill it.

It was weird really. Karkat had spent so many nights in your room, but this would be the first you spent in his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry my gamkat lovers, i will avenge u


	5. I'm Not A Chance But A Heatwave In Your Pants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my computer crashed while i was trying to upload this the first time ????????? bleh
> 
> anyways it took my forever to decide how i wanted to go with this chapter, i wrote three dif versions before deciding on this one. 
> 
> the davekat sex uve all been waiting for,,,,,, enjoy

  
"Dave."

You nearly fall off the fucking bed, because nothing is scarier than waking up to Rose's voice in the morning, especially when her face is an inch away from yours.

You jump back about two feet onto the bed, finding that the space once occupied by Karkat is now empty.

"Rose? Wha... Where's Karkat? What are you doing in here?"

"You weren't in your room. So my next thought was that you'd be here. The door was open. I had to ask Terezi for directions."

"The door was open?" You try really hard to not let Rose hear the panic behind your voice. Where did Karkat go? Why did he go alone?

"Dave," Rose walks over slowly to the love-seat in the corner of Karkat's room, and sits down, like a mom who is about to punish their child. "I think it would be best if you moved into me and Kanaya's room with us. Temporarily."

Your face twists into a scowl, and for the love of god no matter where you look you cannot find your shades anywhere. "No, I'm uh, not gonna be doing that."

"Dave, I know what happened to your eye." You pause, your bare eyes locking in with hers. "Karkat came by our room late last night and told Kanaya. He's worried about you."

"What all did he tell you?" You response is fast, the words falling off your tongue like bombs.

"He said you got drunk and tried to gouge your eye out, quite literally." She doesn't blink when she says it, but you can tell it hurts her to say.

"I'm fine," Your face locks into a look of firm assertiveness. "We all do stupid shit when we're drunk Rose, I'm sure you know that better than anyone."

It was a low blow, something really un-called for probably. But there was no way you were going to move in with the super touchy-feely lesbian couple. As much as a teenage boy as you were, you were also a pretty gay teenage boy. At least, for right now? It was still very unclear.

She sighs, not in sadness, but in irritance. "I am not doing this for me, Dave. If you believe I have some deep, ulterior motive, you are wrong. I know what happened between you and Terezi, the same night you got drunk and tried to pop an eyeball out in the same room as your sleeping," She lifts both hands doing small air-quotes on either side of her head. "'boyfriend.'"

"Rose, you don't know what the fuck your talking about, and I want you to leave."

"You can't kick me out of a room that's not yours, Dave."

"Then fine. I will."

You hop out of bed, not bothering with a shirt as you let Rose see the full extent of your scars, and you can't help but frown as you hear her fall silent. You know her eyes are falling over you, crawling up and down your bare skin. It just makes you angrier.

You spot your shades on top of your clothing, which has been folded into a neat pile and sat on the desk. Karkat.

They feel heavy in your hands as you grab the pile and bolt for the doorway, leaving Rose alone in the bedroom.

It might have been a good idea, you moving in with Kanaya and Rose. In fact, you actually like the sound of it. But it was the way Rose had addressed you, her tone and temperament. You were a child mean't to be dealt with. That's how it always has been. But you didn't feel like the emotions bubbling under your skin were problems, you didn't feel like they needed solutions. And you definitely didn't feel you needed to be treated differently because of it.

You're emotions weren't something to be dealt with. You just needed some time.

* * *

 

You stalk down the hallway, slowly, keeping your eyes out for anyone else who may be wondering the halls. You didn't like walking around during the daytime, anyone could be awake and you'd have to stop to make idle conversation. Shirtless. Without your glasses.

You stumble into your room without incident, slamming the door behind you and leaning your head against it. It vibrated barely enough for you to tell, a sign that you were eventually gonna be off this hell-hole of a roller coaster ride. At least this damn meteor was moving.

"Dave?"

You spin violently, your sword in your hands in seconds and your breath caught in your throat before you can even blink. But when you stop, glancing at the foot of your bed, it's just a stunned Karkat looking back at you.

"Oh my god," You put your sword away, your hand running to rub your temple. "Karkat, what the fuck. You can't do shit like that. Jesus."

"Who were you expecting?" He glares up at you, your blanket wrapped around his shoulders and your notebooks spread across the mattress.

"Yo, what are you doing?"

You halfway jog to the bed (a little faster than you were meaning to) and rake the notebooks up with your arms, pushing them to the floor as fast as you could. You didn't want him looking at those. You really didn't.

"I already read all of it."

Your eyes dart up to meet his. They lock for a moment, and you try your hardest to not let any form of emotion through at all. You can't let him know that you care. You can't let him know that you wrote lyrics about his smooth skinned body shitfaced and crying on the floor of the bathroom. You can't let him know that you scratched songs about the way his teeth prodded at his bottom lip when he shuts his mouth while you wrapped a torn tshirt around your arm and thumb-printed your blood on the pages. Yeah, it was fucking creepy. But you were really low, and you still are. A little obsession never hurt anyone.

You tear your eyes away first, bringing them down to the worn notebooks littering the floor. He read all of them. Not just the pages filled with him, but the pages filled with your first time. The pages filled with John Egbert's moans and kisses and even pages smeared with Terezi's lipstick. The pages filled with the tight spaces in between thighs and fingertips touching the fire under your skin.

He read it all.

He read about your brother. Yes, your brother, not "Bro". He read about life under a million blades and the terror of your own scarred skin. He read about perpetual pre-teen loneliness and the endless shirt sleeves rawing the skin under your eyes. He read about the bruises. Not the cuts, but the bruises. And those hurt the worst.

Your brain fills with a million commas, a million ellipsis and you can't even begin the process of forming words. The idea of talking about anything that Karkat had just read was too much for you to even comprehend, your mind transfixed on some distant plane that didn't involve the four notebooks sprawled on the floor in front of you.

You blink, and you come back to reality for a second, Karkat's outstretched arms dragged over your slacked shoulders. You can't breath, where did your lungs go? Were they even in your chest?

Karkat's pulling on you so hard now you're slumped over the bed, his head buried in between your neck and shoulder as his arms pull you up tightly.

"I'm sorry, it was none of my business, I just-"

"It's fine."

And that's all you can muster.

You climb into bed, climbing on top of him, and into his arms. Your glasses fall off at some point, you don't know when, and Karkat bats them to the floor without blinking.

Your movement's are fluid, like you've wanted this, like you've ran this same scenario over and over again in your head. Because you have.

You pull Karkat's sweater off in one swift tug, brute bite marks layering his neck. You don't look at them, you don't even bat an eye. You move slowly as you work, removing each article of Karkat's clothing with ease, kissing every new part of his exposed skin as you go.

His hips were magical, wide and firm against yours. And his lips, oh god, you didn't even want to get started. Your hands are everywhere, and so is your mouth. Karkat's moans are different this time from previous ventures beneath the waistband of his boxer shorts. They're soft, they come if breathy rasps rather than the back of his throat. You wanted more of it, you wanted to drown in the sound.

Soon your clothes disappear too, lost along with your train of thought in between the sheets. You push into him, and he feels so damn good. His thighs are warm against your hips and his moans are fire against the curve of your neck.

Painted fingernails make your back a cat scratch, and teeth dig into your chest as you move together at a slow tempo. Karkat's body seems perfectly made for yours, and as you pull him up and flip him on his chest, he groans in annoyance.

"Don't be a bitch." The words are harsher than you mean't them to be, and are forced out of your mouth through gritted teeth and you grab Karkat's hips and slam them into yours.

You expect a retort, a hiss or a rude comment, anything. But Karkat bends into your words, his back arching as he bites his bottom lip, shoving sounds of pleasure back down into his throat.

That does something to your head, and what started out as you needing someone to physically make you forget, turns into something so much worse.

"You like that?" Your paces grow faster, and your palms pushes flat on Karkat's back, pushing his shoulders down into the bed below him. "You like being called a bitch?"

His hands turn into fists around your dark grey bed sheets, and he moans loudly into the pillow beneath him. Your hand slowly crawls from the places between Karkat's shoulders to back of his head, a mess of tangled hair which you dig your fingers into.

At first you're not sure, being a tad rough was one thing, but what you wanted to initiate was something else completely.

But god damn it if you hadn't ever made a bad decision before.

You pull his hair gently at first, but it's not as satisfying, doing it in moderation. So you pull harder, pounding your hips against Karkat's as fast and hard as you could muster, leaning down to trail hickeys across his shoulder blades.

He's fucking screaming now, his face in a pillow as his voice fills the room. But you want to hear him, you want to see his face.

You flip him back over, not pausing for one second, and he looks like a damn masterpiece.

His eyes barely flutter open as his body bobs up in down against yours, and you can't stop starring down at his slightly parted lips. He had gone limp, allowing himself to take whatever you were giving and you knew that he was so damn close. You just had to get him there.

"Dave?"

His voice is strained as his hands fly over his face, but your hand immediately goes to grab both his wrists, dragging them above is head.

"Yeah?" You're panting, your words coming out in small huffed breaths.

"We're gonna need a bucket..."

"What?"

And then he cums, and it's magical.

He looks like art underneath you, his back arching all the way as his eyes flutter shut, his mouth opening just wide enough to moan your name. It's so loud, it could probably fill the whole damn meteor, and it's more than enough to bring you to your climax.

You finish before Karkat does, and it's better than anything you've ever felt in your life. The lower half of your body covered in sticky-sweet pink, and you grin down at Karkat beneath you. His face is red hot, his eyes barely open enough for your to see his pupils as he continues to ride out his orgasm.

An idea pops into your head, and it's definitely not one you should act upon, but you do it anyways. "Wait right here."

Karkat doesn't argue as you hop from the bed stark nude and race to your closet, returning with an old shitty Polaroid camera gifted to you by Jade waaaaay back in the day.

You stop at the foot of the bed, holding the camera up to your eye as you focus tediously on getting the perfect angle. You never wanted to forget this.

Karkat's eyes flutter sleepily, something content that gazes into the ceiling as you snap picture after picture, dropping the Polaroids to the floor as you continue around the bed. You hit angle after angle, the flash blooming over Karkats bare body.

"Dave?" He leans up slowly, his elbows supporting the top half of his body as he glares at you. "What the fuck are you doing?"

You grin, something wild you just can't seem to stop. Karkat was the prettiest thing you had ever seen.

"You're my playboy bunny."

You never pause snapping photos as Karkat chunks a pillow at you. He drags your dark red bedspread over his body and the soiled sheets as you drop pictures one by one to the ground.

You stop once you run out of film, making a note in your head to alchemize some later, and climb right back into bed next to him again.

He curls into you, tiny fists pressed against your chest as his eyes shut slowly, and soon, you do the same.

* * *

 

When you wake up, Karkat's not missing. You're pretty happy about that.

There's a giant pillow from the living area shoved into the air vent with the cover not screwed, but nailed into it.

Karkat's in the bathroom, humming softly, and you can tell he's cleaning by the way your room currently looks. Clean.

"Karkat," You sit up, finding your prescription glasses set on the floor next to your bed. "What's this shit in the air vent?"

"It's protection, dumbass."

You look at it through your glasses, your head cocked slightly. "You sure it's not noise insulation?"

You don't need to see him to know he's blushing as the bathroom falls silent.

Your notebooks and pictures are missing from the floor around your bed, as well as all of your clothes.

You walk awkwardly to your closet, stepping in and shutting the door behind you as you scavenge for clothes to change into. Your shirts were hung up on racks beside you, and your other clothes were neatly folded into piles on the floor.

You grabbed your old scratched record tshirt and a pair of basketball shorts, pulling them over your body swiftly before walking back out into the bedroom to find Karkat stripping the bed.

"Hey, where's my camera? And my notebooks, and pictures?"

He nods to the coffee table as he focuses on folding your sheets, and your find it adorable that he's folding them so no one sees whats on them as he walks to take them to the laundry room.

Your coffee table is nothing more than four cinder-blocks and a heavy piece of wood, but it gets the job done. You search the whole thing before finding a small pile of Polaroids hidden in one of the holes of the bricks.

You pull them out, looking over them carefully one by one as you sit on the floor. They were perfect, even more than previously imagined. You loved every one of them, and you were honestly surprised that Karkat didn't trash them the moment he picked them off the floor.

You set them back into their designated cubby, making a mental note to play around with the flash and see how you could make different filters.

Karkat still hasn't gotten back from putting the sheets away, and you were honestly clueless on what you wanted to next.

Everything seemed so right, even if it wasn't really. You were so content with the way things panned out last night, you didn't really feel the need to do something else.

But maybe talk to Rose.

The way you left things yesterday was harsh, even for you. But it wasn't like she didn't have some things to say either.

You scratch a note on a spare piece of paper before pulling on your jacket and shades. You find your phone and earbuds placed in another cubby on the coffee table and decide you might need them on your hike to Rose's room.

But you barely open the door before running into a distressed Terezi, dark blue blood drooling down from her bottom lip. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :o) honk


	6. i like the sound of the broken pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short boop whatevrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aLsgzOkJ10

You can't mentally handle what Terezi brings to your doorstep. It's not that you don't want to, you just can't. Just when the strings start to come together, and everything seems just fine, another road block comes your way, forcing you to curve your thinking all over again.

She stands in front of you, silent with a desperate cling to her eyes. You want to treat her like you would a few months ago, take her in and wash her down, give her some clothes and let her crash in your bed. You wanted her close, but you knew that's exactly what you couldn't do. You had to wait for Karkat.

"Here, come sit on the couch."

You let her in, checking down the hallways before shutting the door behind you. The walk to the bathroom from the front door is long and awkward, Terezi's sad eyes following you.

You know she wants what you want to give. She wants your touch, your care. But you didn't want to fuck up some troll romance thing you didn't understand, you didn't want to get any deeper into the situation than you already had. This was between Karkat, Terezi, and Gamzee. Hopefully not you.

You soak a towel in the sink, trying to pace your breaths. You didn't want to have a full blown anxiety attack in front of Terezi, not now at least.

She gives you a sad smile as you hand the damp washrag to her, staying about three feet distance from the couch. You didn't want to give in to temptation.

"What happened?"

She winces as she wipes her mouth gently, a large bite mark covering her bottom lip. "I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure I want to talk about it yet either."

Her face is killing you. Her eyes and her bruised cheekbone, the sad curve of her lip. Fuck, it was killing you.

"Okay. Karkat should be here in a sec."

She nods, her face frozen in zoned out concentration.

You're pissed, to say the least. You're honestly ready to fuck somebody up. Somebody being Gamzee.

Your emotions are overpowering you at this point, and you don't know whether or not to focus on being angry, being sad, or being close to Terezi, and none seem like the right answer.

Thank God, about the time you think your gonna break from seeing Terezi's soft blue tears fall lightly down her cheeks, Karkat walks through the door.

"Hey, does human blood wash out or-"

He pauses as soon as his eyes lock onto Terezi on the couch, and he handles it a lot better than you did.

He's all over her, his hands testing the bruises and cuts, his words jabbing for each and every edge of the story. You wish you could talk, say something, contribute. Where did your words go? Was your brain failing you yet again?

You leaned in the doorway of the bathroom, your eyes scanning over the situation.

You just prayed he didn't ask her to stay in your room. That would be a whole other mess on it's own, which would most likely end with you on the couch.

She says words, Karkat replies, and you're zoning out all over again. Your brain wasn't handling this situation at all, and you kind of didn't want it to. You passed through the room silently, Karkat too busy with Terezi to notice you slip out into the hallway.

You weren't built for confrontation, not at all. Striders didn't have emotions, it wasn't in their DNA.

So you stalk into the hallway down the opposite direction of Rose's room, your earbuds shoved deep into your ears. You didn't need to talk, you just needed some time.

* * *

 

You walk until the vents turn on, and every third light illuminates the dim hallways. Your phone is close to dying, and your music hits your eardrums with enough severity to cover an entire house party. You didn't feel like thinking, and that's exactly what you weren't gonna do. You just wanted to walk, you wanted to walk until your legs gave out and you couldn't walk anymore. The meteor isn't extremely large, so you know that eventually you'll end up in front of your own door once again, but even then you don't know if you'll stop walking or not.

You knew you had to be apart of this, even though you really, really didn't want to. Karkat was probably really worried once he realized you were gone, but you hope Terezi was enough to keep him occupied. You didn't want to deal with this, you were willing to put up with Karkat's mood swings long enough to get in his pants but were you capable of handling his emotional baggage as well? Could you even handle your own?

It was fucked up to think about. Karkat was your world at the moment, but were you using him for the same reasons you accused him of using you? Even after finding him the way you did a week ago on the floor of your bedroom, bite marks drawing blood down his neck, you still didn't feel like this was something you needed to be apart of. It would be wrong for you to step into a situation you didn't understand, but you felt something tugging you back into it.

There needed to be some sort of retribution, this couldn't keep happening. What the fuck was Gamzee even doing? Some sick troll version of courting? This was above your level of comprehension, but you comprehended enough to know it had to be shut the fuck down. And that was your final decision.

You turned promptly, your phone dead in your pocket as you walked back down the dimly lit hallways towards your bedroom. You weren't gonna tell Karkat, you knew better than that. Karkat wouldn't understand what you were trying to accomplish, he would think you were trying to establish some sort of dominance. Maybe you were, hell, you didn't even know what point you wanted to make. You just knew you want to beat the shit out of someone, and you knew exactly who that someone was.

Anger rattled your bones the entire walk to the pantry, your hand wrapping around a bottle of vodka in the bottom drawer under the sink. You needed liquid confidence if you were going to do anything, but you knew better than to do anything tonight.

You turned down the hall, twisting the cap off of the bottle slowly. You also needed some liquid confidence to get back to your own room.

* * *

 

Karkat is gone when you return, and the room is empty of his presence. There's no pile of books by the bed, his clothes aren't spread around the room, even the scent of him in your sheets is gone. In fact, the room has been cleaned with precision, as if he took the time to make sure every trace of himself disappeared. Your first initial reaction is panic, not only because he's out of your reach, but also because it looks like he wants to be. What in the fuck did you do to deserve this now?

You don't go looking for him, at least not right then. You're already too tired and emotionally drained to even think about doing anything other than sleeping right now, and as you crawl under the sheets of your bed, you don't even think about the same old road you're dragging yourself down all over again.


	7. breaking hearts never looked so cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ye i wrote this at 4 am have fun l m a o 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAaXS_wioYg

Karkat didn't come back until two weeks later, and when he did, you didn't let him in. You didn't understand why he had left in the first place, and you didn't feel like re-opening a wound so deep it was probably scarred.

He didn't take the pictures, and you didn't throw them out. That didn't mean you looked at them though. They were a ghost under your bed, pressed at the very back in a small pile beside the wall. You let them haunt your room from there, a constant reminder of the relationship that once was. You wanted to be reminded though, you were so dissociated from reality at this point it was hard to believe that _anything_ had actually happened in the past few years. The pictures being there was a small weight only heavy enough to keep you barely grounded. 

"Dave?"

You lift your eyes up over the rim of your shades, and you only catch Rose's gaze for a second before she turns away. She doesn't like looking at your bare eyes anymore.

She doesn't like looking at the scar.

"Huh?" You didn't really know what you had been previously talking about. Words didn't stick like they used to.

You haven't touched a pen in a while. Your notebooks are on the shelf in your closet, collecting dust and singing forgotten songs silently while you spend every day deep in the sheets that used to smell like him. You wake up, lay in bed for hours uncounted, and only get up for the occasional shower or meal. Was it even daytime right now?

"Have you reconsidered my offer?"

Oh, you remember now. She's trying to convince you to move in with her again. You probably really need it, but you know yourself better than she thinks you do.

"No. Sorry."

You wish you had a smart quip, a string of sarcastic words to retaliate with, to lighten the mood, but you don't. Like you said, words didn't stick like they used to.

She sighs. She has really been trying, you'll give her that. You honestly just wanted to crawl back into the purgatory of your comforter and drift off into a coma void of sleep. She was the only reason you had actually left your bed today.

"It's fine. Do you need some laundry done?"

You nod. She goes into the bathroom to grab it from the hamper.

You promise her to come over for dinner tomorrow. That seems to hold her over. You fake a half smile as you close the door behind her and she fakes one back.

Six weeks. It had been six weeks since Karkat had left. Four since you shut the door, and told him to stay out. Your room was Chernobyl, and you were a hazard.

* * *

 

When you wake up clean laundry is on the couch folded nicely. You push yourself to leave your bed, your muscles groaning and pleading for you to crawl back in.

The clean fabric feels good against your ribs, and for some reason just a clean tshirt lifts your mood about fifty percent. You think about crawling under your bed, reaching far back enough to stretch your shoulders out and grab the stack of pictures you keep hidden from the rest of the room. But you only think about it for a second.

" _Park that car,_  
 _Drop that phone..._ "

You sing quietly to yourself as you walk slowly down the hallway, just to fill your ears with some sort of noise other than the loud dingy audio that comes through your half-broken earbuds.

" _Sleep on the floor,_  
 _Dream about me..._ "

Every third light poured over the barely lit hallway, and you kind of liked it that way. You found comfort in the fact that the hallways were empty at night, and you didn't need to stress over uncomfortable encounters. The lights used to be a constant reminder of the loneliness that seeped through every pore of your life, but now they just reminded you that you were simply alone. That wasn't so bad.

Maybe you just needed to learn how to work with alone. Maybe alone wasn't as bad as you thought it was. Hell, you had been lonely your entire life, but you had never been alone. You depended on the attention and validation of others to make yourself cool, you wanted so so badly to believe in your own reputation but the only way for you to do that was if you actually had one.

" _Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that..._ "

You knew you were overthinking. You knew it was Karkat's words in your head and not in your own. You had heard him say it a million times, insult you over and over again for your 'cool kid inferiority complex'. You could hear your thoughts in his voice.

" _Now you're all gone, got your make-up on and you're not coming back..._ "

"Dave?"

Wait, his voice. You could hear his voice right now.

You glance up at the kitchen door no more than ten feet in front of you to your left. Karkat stands sheepishly on the threshold, his grey sweater draping over his shoulders and a pair of fuzzy red pajama pants with small black crabs dotted over them covering him from the hips down.

You had seen Karkat outside of your room before, after he had left you mean. It was as if the past 3 months hadn't happened.

"Hey Karkitty. You come for your daily dose of diabetes?"

He swallows shallowly. "You've said that one before."

You curve an eyebrow from behind your shades as you march past him into the kitchen, trying your hardest to stand straight. "Really? Well it's time to take it to heart. That sweaters a bit snug, don't you think?"

You can feel his eyes on your back, and you know he's making that face you hate. You power through grabbing a carton of milk and a full bag of Doritos as fast as you can before turning and smacking straight into him. His eyes lock into yours.

"I uh," You didn't like how Karkat was acting. He wasn't playing along with your game of 'forget'. "I'm sorry. What are you doing right now?"

You blink at him and hold your food up slowly. "Grubbing. Now if you excuse me, I gotta get back to my room. These chips aren't gonna digest themselves."

It's hard, it really is. It's hard to push around Karkat's small figure and not glance down at the light patches of skin on his neck where bite marks used to be. It's hard to walk all the way back to your room without breaking a face void of emotion. And it's extremely hard to pretend you don't hear Karkat's soft knocks against your door a few hours later into the night, when your sheets have new blood stains and your arms have more future scars.

You felt good at the beginning of the day, you felt alone. Now all you could feel was lonely.

* * *

 

Dinner is so fucking awkward. Not a bad kind of awkward though, not at all. It's more of a forced kind of awkward actually, the kind of awkward where you know someone is trying way too hard for you specifically. It was a good kind of awkward.

You make minimal conversation, eat a little over a third of your plate, and escape into the hallway before they can question you about the deep purple rings around your eyes and the loss of weight on your bones.

The air in the hallway is thick, and all the lights are on. You wanted the vents to turn on, the lights to go off, the familiar shuffle of Karkat behind your bedroom door. But none of those things were going to happen any time soon.

Some times you think back to when Karkat came back to your door. You think of the way you shut him out all over again, and you regret it. But even in moments like these, when you long for his presence, you know it's merely just for touch.

You were touch hungry, just like you were in the very beginning. Had you even truly cared about Karkat past the waistband of his pants? You hadn't even been concerned about the entire Gamzee situation since he left. Hell, you hadn't even thought about it until now. Maybe you really didn't care about Karkat.

It's sad, the fact you can't pinpoint your own goddamn emotions. Who even are you? It was obvious you're crumbling apart, holding on the remains of your shredded identity by the seams. How long were they going to hold? Have they already broke?

You push your shades up into your hair as you walk, and you snort at the thought of Rose avoiding your gaze at dinner. This scar, this damn scar. You almost liked it, and honestly, that's probably your problem.

You're a hopeless romantic. This entire 'depression' thing, has it just been another fucking phase of yours? Have you poured yourself into another ego because that's what others wanted you to be? Was this some sort of sick ironic joke?

Why the fuck can't you be genuine? Why are you questioning yourself like this? Why can't you just leave yourself alone? Why are you not walking anymore?

Fuck, you aren't walking anymore.

You stumble to a wall as you force sobs back down your throat. You feel the air leave your body and escape down the hall in the direction of your room. Hell, you could see your door from here. It's only a few more yards.

But you won't make it.

"Dave? What are you doing?"

_Where's your voice Dave? Where'd it go?_

You can't reply to whoever is talking, and you can't tell why. You can hear them, you can breathe, but your words are gone. Your sarcastic remarks, your irony, your crudeness. Your personality.

_Who are you Dave? Do you even fucking know? Are you under the bed or in the closet?_

"Only monsters stay there."

"Dave!"

A strong hand wraps around your upper arm, and you flinch hard at the feeling of skin against your own. Your arm retracts, yanking hard out of the grasp as you look up and catch Karkat's eyes from behind the lenses of your shades.

You push yourself off the wall a little too hard, stand back up a little too straight.

"Hey, sorry, I was a little spaced out."

Karkat's eyes are wide with worry, and his mouth gapes open as if he's searching for a reply but can't find it.

"Yeah, I could tell."

You nod, your hands hiding themselves deep in the pockets as you look around for anything to take your eyes off of his. He has a box of cheese its in his right hand, and you can't help but smirk.

"You tall enough to reach those now?"

"Uh," He looks down at the box, and he can't help but grin. "Not really."

You catch a hint of your bedroom door in the corner of your eye and realize how soon that panic attack is coming back up.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

You look back at him as you walk down the hallway, and he looks at you with hope painted all over him.

"You will?"

You laugh, it's genuine and rough against your throat. "Yeah, you will."

You slam hard against your door as you fumble violently with the handle, Karkat's pregnant gaze on your back. You make it through the door, throwing it shut behind you before bolting for the bathroom. You couldn't tell if it was because of Karkat or the bad food, but you really needed to throw up.

As you grip the cold porcelain, thoughts of Karkat in the shower that sat beside you dance through your head.

" _You will?_ "

Goddammit, you hope you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who is gamzee who is terezi where is this plot going i don't know


End file.
